he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
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you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
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