im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
