I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
