You just made me feel so damn special
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
