and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
