we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
