Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
