im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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