She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
