Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
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I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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