good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
