Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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