I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
