At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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