I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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