it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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