The maid of honor just puked.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
did you just send me my own nude
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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