Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.