Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
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i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
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I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.