just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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