He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was confusing and full of hummus
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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