She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
