Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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