I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
so let's talk penis.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
