What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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