Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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