I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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