i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
im six kinds of drunk right now
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
