So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
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Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
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So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle