well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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