don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
