I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
