matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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