This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
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Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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