Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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