Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
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