I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
