Someone shit on the floor
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
