They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
