Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Small penises have feelings too.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
