Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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