her vagine was all disorganized.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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