I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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