If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
