your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
