Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
