And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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