Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
