broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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