I just gift wrapped bread.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
