why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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