Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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