someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm jealous of your bromance
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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