Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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