I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
