Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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