I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
