We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
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What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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